English humor post
• English humor post
Englishman can be identified by three characteristics: stiffness, arrogance and sense of humor, which never will be appreciated by foreigners. Many believe that the humor of the subtle mind, while others simply do not see anything funny in it.
We chose the "sweet" of this strange English humor for those who are in the subject.
Diplomatic Englishman to tell the secretary that she was fired, puts it this way:
- Miss Jones, you're so great cope with their responsibilities, I do not even know what we would do without you. But on Monday we still try.
Bookshop, London. Comes to the buyer.
- Hello, sir. Say, you have a book on useless dialogues?
- Yes, sir.
- Sir, allow me to express to you my sympathy. I heard that your wife ran off with your lackey.
- Nonsense. I'm still going to fire him.
Sinking ship. An Englishman with a pipe in his mouth drawn to the captain:
- Cer, some of the boats for smokers?
Two Englishmen playing golf. One long aims and can not hit.
- Today I am not sure of myself - as if apologizing, he says. - I'm afraid I do not get - there is far worth my wife. - Yes - I agree the second - from this distance it is difficult to get there.
One lady told the gentleman about my first husband:
- I met him at 20, and left him at 23.
- Yes, I think that three hours is enough.
- I understand why the robber took from the safe of money and jewels. But why he took his wife, Lord?
- I think that the Lord was not sought.
In the London club for the elite talking two lords.
- Yesterday at a reception at the Princess Polimbuk - says one of them - the grandfather of the princess kissed my hand error.
- And then what happened?
- Tragedy. Congenital stroke made me till the end of the evening to depict a woman.
English lady calls the footman:
- You're coming right now to my svekpovi Mrs. Chattepli to the hospital, she was very seriously ill, and inquire about her health.
Lackey left and returned a tris hours.
- Well, how? You were with Mrs Chattepli? Spposil how she feels?
- Yes, madam.
- hoposho, can go.
The Englishman returns home and finds his wife with her lover. Naked lover in a panic out of bed, rushing into the bathroom, grabs a towel and wraps it around his waist. The enraged husband, seeing it, throws it up with a wild cry of "No!".
The wife thinks, well, everything now would kill. Suitable for bathroom and sees - there husband in hysterics, a pained voice: - No! Not this! This is - for the face!
Midnight. House Englishman. The phone rings. Sleepy host picks up the phone:
- This is the number 11-11?
- No, it's the number 1-1-1-1!
- Are you sure it's not 11-11?
- Absolutely! It 1-1-1-1!
- In this case, I'm sorry to wake you up!
- nothing to worry about, I would still have to get up, because the phone rang.
- Barrymore, it was squelching in my shoes?
- Oatmeal, sir.
- But what makes the oatmeal in my shoes ?!
- squish, sir.
- Everyone says Charles - a terrible hypochondriac. And it is, in fact, mean?
- hypochondriac - is a person who feels good only when he feels unwell.
The British hotel porter comes to American tourists eagerly harvesting the elevator button.
- Sir, elevator will be here soon.
- Lift? Oh, you mean elevator.
- No, sir, here we call it a lift.
- But since it was invented in America, it's called an elevator.
- Yes, sir, but since language was invented here, it's called an elevator.