Relationships - Fear of intimacy

Each of us is afraid of something. Someone - get AIDS, someone - lose material possessions, without exception - end of the world and, as a consequence, death.

With specific regard to his personal life, in this area the most widespread fear - fear of being alone. But, oddly enough, the level of significance, it is not the only one of its kind. The opposite type of fear is serious also in origin and manifestation in contact with people. Fear of intimacy - a hot topic of this story.

Perhaps you will be surprised, but intimofobiya is also called the fear of close contact with a person of the opposite sex, now - not a rare phenomenon. She was exposed to both men and women equally, although some media sources claim that the stronger sex more often ladies suffer from this problem.

And the fact that this kind of fear - a real problem for its owner, can not be doubted. And a victim of this phobia is not only experiencing it, but also the surrounding, directly involved in the fate of the latter.

Many word "intimofobiya" is an unambiguous association with the fear of sexual relations. This is not quite true. Rather, this embodiment is the place to be, but not always. First of all, the development of intimofobii in humans suggests a fear of psychological closeness that is boundless trust partner, a strong rationale potential husband / wife in his life, like-mindedness, and other things that exclude a certain percentage of freedom and create some commonality between two people, so - interdependence.

You need to go a certain facet - that this step and frightens. After all, what the hell? That's right, frightening unknown. Or fame, but "predestinated" own imagination in advance, and, believe me, is not too rosy.

To understand the mechanism of anyone's fear of intimacy, it is not necessary to address to the psychologist or psychotherapist - is the best option for themselves suffering intimofobiey.

We also important to identify the causes that served as the starting point - the point where there was the launch of feelings, interfering to live fully. I analyzed the possible events and phenomena that could provide an impetus to the development of intimofobii.

1. Childhood

adult source of the problem may well be lurking in this vital part of the human existence. It is in childhood lays the basic aspects of personality, including complexes. Parents, family situation, play a major role in shaping children's perception of the world. Here, the following variations, which can serve as an occasion to develop further fear intimacy:

a) The tyranny of the family. Mother humiliated father or father beat and insulted his mother. Thus, the child in mind this fact was deposited as a stereotype of personal relationships, while unacceptable to him. Fear arises because yesterday the kid, turning into an adult, just do not believe or can not / do not want to understand that there is an alternative close contacts, built on the basis of the tyranny one of another partner. And dissuade intimofoba very difficult, especially if the "process" gone too far.

b) The negative psychological pressure. Parents instilled to the child that he can not make their own decisions because of their young age (no matter how much your child at this time was about - five or twenty-five), to anything not capable, bad, ugly, etc... and so on. n. The most common is the pressure from the father and / or mother's going on aimlessly, "without a second thought," when, for example, the daughter / son, in their opinion, underfoot, and prevents their main occupation in life. Basically, it is typical for families where the child is unwanted or came in because of the circumstances, and maybe, just to make it "like everyone else". c) The excess or lack of parental attention and care. In the first case intimofobiya develops in the direction of a fear of having to take on the upcoming commitments and responsibility for a potential partner for the relationship as a whole. In the second variant - a fear for a loved one to become an unnecessary thing, as soon as the psychological distance between people is reduced to a minimum.

2. Treachery, failed relationships in the past,

This reason is the nature of the trauma. Having experienced the time the pain and bitterness of disappointment, people consciously or unconsciously avoided new relationships involving close contact intersexual, as in his view it was the same. And, then, to begin not worth it, because he already knows how long the bleeding wounds, some black and cold seems the world around ...

3. Violence

This refers literally physical violence, abuse, degrading at all levels of perception. Intimofobiya in such cases, no-nonsense, and quite logical, self-evident consequence of the negative-aggressive impacts from outside.

The victim not only does not want anyone to engage in a close spiritual relationship, as well as in the physical - the idea of ​​a possible contact leads him into a justifiable fear. He is shy, and sometimes hates his "defiled" the body, a person develops a terrible depression, self-esteem drops dramatically.

It will take some time before such a life intimofoba little enters the previous course - of course, not without the support of family and a good psychologist. But fear of intimacy eradicate provided such baggage of memories is very problematic.

4. Fear of losing freedom

This is a fairly common variant. Many women and men do not want to start a family, since this step is associated with a reduction in their personal space and time. Especially because marriage - always responsible. And if a person is accustomed to flit through life butterfly, bound hand and foot by ties of Hymen he, of course, do not just do not want to, and elementary scary. In this case, intimofob can have any number of promiscuity and none - permanent and psychological.

5. "The Dark Secret" soul

To help you grasp the meaning of this cause, I tell a life story.

Anna met with Vadim at the matinee in kindergarten. The young man was not someone's dad - Organization of children's holiday was his work. Anna, being an unmarried teacher, took direct part in the event and immediately drew attention to the nice man. Their communication within public institutions flowed seamlessly into friendship: a series of phone calls interspersed with walks along the promenade.

But gradually, as the addiction to Vadim, Anna was sorely missed completeness contact. It felt like a young man hiding something, though, judging by the signs of attention, she knew that a man indifferent to her. Unfortunately, all attempts to get close and cause Vadim a frank conversation came up against a blank wall. But being wise woman, Anna did not press the young man, believing that he still crack if really feels for her affection.

And so it happened: One evening, after a joint dinner Vadim home, if it "burst". The young man confessed his love to Anna and announced the reason for his excessive secrecy: in the recent past, a man was gay, but meeting Anna, and falling in love, I realized that he wanted to "engage" with gay, to return to the old, normal way of life. But the girl would react to such a confession? Do want to deal with him? These questions tormented incessantly Vadim and Anna was forced to stay away from a certain distance. Probably, the history of the finals is not relevant to the article subject, but nevertheless voiced him for loving woman Vadim revelation about such unpleasant facts of his biography was not an obstacle to move their relationship to a qualitatively new level. Probably, and checked the true feelings ...

I gave the example of a special case. In fact, many variations: as a "dark secrets" can serve anything - from an incurable disease to non-standard problems in the family. For example, in one of the numerous "soap" series, broadcast on television, the main character to avoid close relationships with her lover because that desperately ashamed of her two relatives: sister Oligophrenic and alcoholic father.

Conclusion: having aimed to solve the problem of someone else intimofobii, you have to be psychologically prepared for the fact that the cause of "disease" may not particularly make you happy.

But as they say, at least "fear has big eyes and" the same "eyes are afraid, but the hands are doing." Confident, practical advice to help you once and for all get rid of obsessive phobia to those who have panic fear of intersexual close contacts.

1. Rely on your own paper

If you can not bring yourself to share fears with a close friend, the paper will help you out in this difficult matter. Not easy, because in most cases intimofob does not recognize that he is such. And you need to look the truth in the eyes and say to yourself: "Yes, I'm afraid of intimacy for a reason."

Then you need to take a blank sheet of paper and describe your own details: on what it is based, that is its source, that provokes it at the moment of time, etc., etc. Write as if the soul of someone.... pours.

It is very effective is another similar technique: some psychologists suggest to draw your own. Nothing, if the pattern will clumsy and awkward - it's not in the main proceedings. It is important to get rid of the oppressive darkness of the soul, forcing you to live in constant tension. Paper carrier as described or painted your fear should be destroyed. You can tear the sheet into small pieces and buried: so you remove the stone from the soul, shifting the burden of problems on the "shoulders" of the mother-land. But it is better to bring a piece of the fire, as we have described in my previous article.

The amount of time required for this, mind you, is not magic, and ordinary psychological "rite", depends on the degree of gravity intimofobii.

2. Increase self-esteem

Unfortunately, this very important aspect in recognizing themselves full person, often a source of various complexes. I offer a fun way to enhance their own self-esteem. It is called "Say goodbye to your delusions." We mean those same thoughts are stumbling blocks in the implementation of full-fledged life desires. They sound like this:

- I'm ugly (th), who I like?

- I do nothing of itself does not represent, what I said to him / her?

- I - a catastrophe.

- He / she really does not like me - is he / she only seems that way.

The very way is this: remember the moments of life, when you look at 100%, I felt like a queen / king, felt the peace of mind and harmony with oneself and the world. Let's say: "I am very sexy in this purple dress" or "When I took the first place at the university Olympiad on higher mathematics, I felt at a height."

Dig into memory and recall at least three people thinking about you as you feel even better than you really are. You remember? Fine! Now, during bouts of uncertainty and fear of intimacy tides, mentally concentrate on these people. If they are so warm and sympathetic to you, why should potential partners not to do the same? ..

3. Encounter face to face with their fears

It's simple: you have to go through what inspires you the feeling of fear, rather than dismiss or, even worse, to run away from the problem. Offers resistance to their own desires, do not go in their regard. A disease for which a cure does not make any effort, sooner or later becomes chronic. And this scenario is not the worst, because there are still lethal. In our case, the latter is obviously eternal loneliness. In short, "if you want to stop being afraid - do what you afraid."

Intimofobiya like all phobias, is a serious thing. And the most efficient in its elimination will appeal to a specialist if independent attempts do not lead to a proper result. Take a mental note other than saying the truth, author unknown to me - it should "instruct you on the right path":

"Today, if you do not dare to do something out of fear, will regret it tomorrow, next week - to blame himself for indecision, in a year you will visit a sense of loss at the end of life, you will realize that themselves robbed" ...

Nadezhda Ponomarenko, especially for our website