- Let's Get Married? - issued Slavka, looking at me with a kind smile.

I grunted, and tried not to laugh, his eyes downcast, began to look out for the lighter on the table, then stood up and fumbled on the windowsill. Slavka was silent, I bit her lip, too.

Removing the boil kettle from the stove, I leaned over the bluish flame. There was a click barrettes, she fell to the floor, and the hair on the face. Then they caught fire, I squeaked and turned to Slava. He shouted and splashed my face cream, standing on the table. Stank of singed hair. Slavka was scared as hell, and I was shaking laughter.

- If I marry you, - I giggled, wiping, - it is not going to die in a hundred years in a warm bed, with age as planned.

We had known for three months. He lived next door to Natasha, with whom we were engaged. He was almost twice my age, divorced and was completely under the thumb of her mother. One day he came to the gym for the nats, where he saw me. I stood in the sector, idly spinning the hammer and trying to focus.

- I did not think so fragile creatures are seriously engaged in this sport - heard nearby.

I slipped on the indifferent gaze of the grid was a man. Tall, trim - that's a plus. Old blond - is a minus. Catching more convenient shell, I muttered:

- Step away from the grid. - And Scorch important person, prepared to throw the hammer.

I threw a shell into the box, out of inertia led me forward, I stood on the edge of the circle and fell, tucked leg. Nats they took me to the emergency room, on the way to persuaded to call Slava visit for a cup of brandy. Mother, with whom he was living (while having a separate apartment), was on a business trip.

Brandy had a lot of time was come, and Vyacheslav as a true gentleman, offered to spend the night with him, promising that we will sleep in different rooms. At the same time I called my mother, introduced himself and asked him not to worry about me. Mom was so excited that he did not asked me on the phone that slightly puzzled me and delighted at the same time. I woke up in a strange room in a strange bed, suffering from a terrible hangover and wanting desperately to get to the toilet. Quietly looking out of the room, I tried to determine which side may be a bathroom. I could not decide, I stumbled randomly into a door and pulled the handle. The door suddenly swung open easily, and I fell skiing, striking right in the forehead. I quietly matyuknulas, shoved them back and limped to the next door.

Slightly parted, I waited a second. It seems nothing is going to fall out from there. I poked my head into the slot. Vague silhouettes of the furniture in the dark room suggested that it was a bedroom. I was about to draw his head back into the corridor, when out of the darkness came a plangent cry. I also yelled and slammed the door, and not having to remove the head. Ragged ears, I rushed down the hall to where crawled.

- Lola! Wait, Lola! - screamed behind.

I'm not responding, he flew into the room and did not find the latch the door, leaned against her shoulder.

- Lola! - the door neigh Slavka. - I'm sorry, it's Hans. Let me in.

Hans - Slavkin nasty cat. Evil eunuch, who hated all bipeds. Yesterday, he sat on the fridge, almost vyschelknul my eyes when I walked past. I was just lucky that I managed to swerve. Apparently, he immediately took a dislike to me, and cried because when I looked into the bedroom to his master, he too, is hated.

Understood, I asked where the toilet, Slavka gallantly brought me to the right place and pritaranil stool to me it was convenient to wash. Nasty leg ached. I tried not to get up for it. Turn on the water, I was perched on a stool, and realized that I did not reach the faucet.

Relying on the good leg, lifting the stool, I moved closer. Even closer. The third leg of the stool landed right on the tail of Hans, who made his way to the bathroom, apparently to eat me without witnesses. He yelled again, I, of course, too. Jumping up, I forgot about the sore leg, shouted even louder, began to lose his balance, grabbed the curtain covering the tub and fell onto his back, taking the road with a basin of dirty laundry, standing on the washing machine. I lay on the floor, I was a basin, dirty laundry and upturned stool. All this splendor with a quiet rustle covered curtain.

Rescue me from all this heap, Slavka saw to it that I finished water treatments without incident, and led me to the kitchen. Sat me in a little corner, he began to petition near the stove, something chattering about having a great evening. I could not hear him, watching the Hans, which his whole appearance showed their indifference, but at the same time, short dashes approached me.

As soon as I stopped to look him, he immediately came up with something to do - to sniff the air, playing with the tail, licking something under the tail. Whenever I look away, and then again to look at him, I noticed that he was getting even half a meter closer. Finally, I was in a brazen staring at him. He almost contemptuous snort, turned to me ass and gracefully jumped on a chair, and then to the refrigerator, apparently lost all interest to me.

Slavka poisoned jokes, standing at the stove, stirring the porridge (he was obsessed with a healthy lifestyle and ate porridge every morning). I relaxed, giggling, sometimes glancing at Hans, who completely ignored me. And in that moment, as soon as I forgot about the nasty cat, he jumped at the buffet, which I was sitting, and then on my head. I squealed Gans unhooked from my head, blown out of the kitchen, and I was again standing on the injured leg, he fell to his knees, clutching the first thing that came to hand. They were Slavkina sweat pants, I pulled with shorts. Slavka twitched, and bubbling pot of porridge fell on my hand.

Two hours later, with a bandaged leg, burnt his hand and scratched face, I sat next to Slava in the car. All the way he cackled at me, apologized for the nasty cat, who, by the way, and peed in my gym bag. I incoherently something Meca back. Suddenly, the car ran some Koshak (sure that's a distant relative of Hans), Slavka braked, I jerked forward, hitting his head against the dashboard, then back. Something clicked and I fell down on my back with the seat. Slavka Pučile frightened eyes, while I writhe in hysterical cackle. Near the house, out of the car, I was not surprised when I got caught running shoes and tore polpodoshvy.

Mom was delighted with my new beau. Sipping tea with maman, while I was changing, Slavka asked her permission to meet with me. In thought she had imagined our wedding, our children, and joint lunch on the weekends.

- Lelechka where you dug out of such a man? - she admired when Slavka finally ejected.

- At the cemetery, it was the sale of second-hand men. That bought on the cheap - I muttered.

- Do not yazvi - she was offended. - Vyacheslav lovely man. Just what you need - adult, calm, good position, car, separate apartment. - Mom knew more about it than I do.

- I do not know him - I otpinyvalas sluggish.

- What you do not stop to spend the night with him - his mother retorted.

Covered I had nothing. Explain that nothing between us did not and could not be, I considered it beneath his, unformed at that time, esteem. Of course, I was flattered that I meet with an adult man, but it paled in comparison with the way the place of our meeting.

I managed to fall on level ground, breaks off heels, nip your fingers in the door. If he stopped me to the gym, I broke the handle on the hammer. That I have broken nails permanently unbuttoned her bra, pantyhose necessarily appear on hands and burst at the gum panties, I was not paying attention.

Once his mom, Catherine V., mlevshaya from my youth and innocence (ha ha ha), told a Slavochka unlucky. With him constantly befall something.

- Just as you now - leaping she laughed. - But after he met me ( "How do I want to nurse grandchildren" - insert it to the place and out of place), he became a power, and no longer falls on level ground. It was then that I realized that his death was not destined to die to me, and began to think about the separation.

That day, when Slava invited me to the limb and a piece of liver, in the form of marriage, it passed almost without incident. Singed hair and red eyes from shampoo got into it - it is such a trifle. Slavka subtly hinted that after such a proposal, we would do well to know the sweetness of carnal pleasures. Thinking for a moment, I agreed. Marinate three months has long been a sexually mature man - too cruel revenge for all my injuries.

Night unearthly passion was furnished very nice. Candles, wine, soft music. Warbler, a little nervous, I stupidly giggling. I pursued everywhere the smell of burnt hair, watery eyes. Romance. Kissing, we got to the bed and collapsed on it. Something snapped, bed tipped and Hans, vile animal screamed so much that I almost managed it. Search vet, fast charges poludohly Hans, a crippled tail.

- To hell with such a relationship! - I could not stand it. - Do not call me again, please - I asked Slava and dumped home.

A few weeks later I met Musik. Naturally, my misadventures stopped immediately. Once I met Slava on display. I unsuspectingly, standing at our booth.

- Lola? - heard behind.

I turned around, I saw Slava, backed away from him, smiling foolishly and got caught on the wire. I did not fall. I prevented the table on which stood a production of confectionery factory. I just sat in the cake, standing on the edge.

- Come out! - I screamed.

Slava did not understand why I was so aggressively tuned.

P. S. I remember Slava, when I see her nephew Musica. During the ten years of his life the boy had managed to overturn the teapot with boiling water and fall from the third floor. He was constantly bitten by dogs, he always smashed his forehead, which he beats on jambs, pillars, doors. If he climbs a tree, it is sure to fall and break something or dislocate. If it is to cross the road, and it will not touch the car, he Tripping on the ledge and break his nose. P. P. S. Not so long ago he was sent to gymnastics, from which I concluded that the parents do not like him.